Now the final week before my big performance has truly arrived. When I look back at my trip to Monaco and everything that followed,
I have to admit that when I first returned, I was quite stressed. After a week-long break, I felt as though I had regressed in dance rather than moved forward, and that feeling was not easy at all. And yet now, after almost two weeks of intense training again, I feel good about where things stand. Martin and I went straight back into strong training sessions, and I have also been practicing consistently on my own. One thing that has been especially useful is that several of my training sessions have been filmed. It is actually a very good trick, because when you see yourself from the outside, you understand much more clearly which mistakes stand out the most and what really needs to be changed, rather than just vaguely sensed. The rhythm of my life over this past week has been quite intense and at the same time very specific: home, training, work, kindergarten, pre-school, activities, and everything else in between.

Then in the evening, there is computer work, my notebook open, all obligations written down so that nothing gets forgotten. In that sense, the days are full from beginning to end. At the same time, the last few days before a performance are no longer meant for maximum-intensity training. They are more about maintaining form, feeling, and physical readiness without exhausting myself at the very last moment. That is why even my last gym session with Margus was lighter than usual.

I want to take my dancing to the next level

One training video that we also shared with Postimees readers received a lot of feedback. When I looked through the comments, they split fairly clearly into two groups. Those who do not work in this field at all were excited, while those who know more immediately focused on the details and pointed out what I should change or develop further. For me, that was actually very nice. It means people really watched, paid attention, and noticed things. I myself was not satisfied with my dancing in that moment, and that gave me even more motivation. I decided to give everything I have in the time that remains so I could raise my level further and become more professional. Sometimes I even joke that it is such a shame there are no videos from my very first training sessions, because when I started, I even had trouble just standing in dance shoes. Compared to that, the progress really has been huge, and in that sense, the path has been very rewarding. At the same time, I know very well that there is still a long way to go.

If I think honestly about what in this routine still needs the most refinement for me personally, then it is my three-step turn technique, not doing my steps with my legs too far apart, and of course also being able to keep my legs turned out more. I constantly watch professional-level dancing on social media, and even though I know I should not compare myself to them, I still do. And that contrast can feel very strong to me at times. At the same time, maybe it is exactly that contrast that pushes me to work harder and see more clearly where I truly want to go.

Training, core strength, and a higher level of complexity

Over the past few weeks, I have definitely been training at least once a day. If I do not have a dance training session with Martin, then
I practice on my own and also go for a run. Once a week I still have an intense gym session with Margus Silbaum, where we work a lot on small muscles and stabilizers. Those are important so the dance can progress without injury and so that my whole muscular system supports my dance ambitions rather than working against them. We also do a lot of core work, because in competitive ballroom, the center of the body is absolutely essential. In cha-cha-cha, I move forward by rotating the sides of my body, which means my entire body has to be under very strong control. On top of that, the choreography includes a lot of weight transfers and many steps on the balls of the feet and the toes, which demands a great deal of stability and balance. For me, this dance still feels like a very high level of complexity.

Only now, in the final week, do I feel that my center of gravity is finally beginning to move into the right place, nose over toes, as we say. By nature, I always want to lean backward and keep my shoulders and hands too far behind me, but now I feel more and more clearly that I am dancing on the balls of my feet and sometimes even on my toes. That immediately changes the entire picture of the dance. At the same time, I know very well that once I reach the halfway point in the routine, I can feel how the whole choreography starts moving at an incredible pace because of the richness of its elements, and for me it is still a major challenge to stay confident and stable all the way through to the end. On top of that, it still happens again and again that I try to dance from muscle memory and then suddenly realize that I have started doing a combination we changed a month ago. This field really is like outer space. Every step is tied to a specific beat in the music, the rhythm is constantly counting in my head, and the second my attention slips, everything can fall out of place.

The final rehearsals with Marius and a new energy in the dance

I went into seeing Marius again with a pleasant sense of excitement. This time I already felt much more that I was worthy of being called a dancer, and I was definitely more confident than during our first meeting. I believe that in the time between our two meetings, I have raised my level significantly, and I very much hope that a world champion will notice that too. Before the performance, we will meet three times for rehearsals, and I hope that during those sessions, as much as possible will come together at once: technique, trust, chemistry, emotion, and simply the feeling of being good together in the dance. Of course I am hoping that my technique will come through as beautifully as possible, that there will not be too many bent knees or legs too far apart, that I will be able to hold myself beautifully throughout the whole whirlwind of the routine, and of course that I do not forget the steps. But I also know that what reaches the farthest is not only technical precision. It is our energy and our chemistry. That is what gives the performance its real value. So the emotion has to be big.

Thankfully, I already got to experience in the very first rehearsal that Marius as a partner is motivating and encouraging. We had a really great connection. He is direct, friendly, open, and emotional, and I got the feeling that it may actually be possible for him to gently unlock my rather reserved nature. Martin has jokingly said that I am a cold Nordic woman. Well, we will see. Maybe I am not after all.

Psychologically, Marius’s approach to me was very clever and very well judged. I got the feeling that he was happy with my abilities, and that gave me the courage to dance with more emotion, to create more of the expressions, joy, and lightness that cha-cha-cha needs. This dance has to look easy and fun to the audience. My great physical effort must not show. What he actually thought of me, of course, I do not know. Maybe he was simply wise enough to understand that the only way to get a good performance out of me was to increase my confidence. At the same time, he is of course also focused on his own role and on giving the best performance he can, while adjusting to a situation where we are not dancing as equal-level partners. Taking all of that in, I have actually had more inner peace this week than before. I feel that in terms of learning the technique, what could be done has been done. I have given this preparation my best, trained as much and as well as I could, and that knowledge gives me peace. The stage nerves will definitely come. There is no escaping that. But I hope to delay that feeling for as long as possible.

This is not a technique exam, it is a story we have to carry

It has become clearer and clearer to me that this performance is not just a sequence of steps. Not long ago, Martin told me in training that the work is done, especially his work. Of course I want to execute this routine as technically well as possible, but that is not the whole picture. Marius and I have to create a show and tell a story. Marius chose the music, and by coincidence it was also one of my own favorite cha-cha-cha songs, so I agreed immediately. That is very important, because if the song were terrible, it would completely take away my emotional connection to the dance. The structure of our story, the scenario itself, is still being built, and the whole team is working on it. Alongside Martin and Marius, Gerli is also putting a lot of thought into it. All of us want the final result to be truly powerful and memorable.

And of course Marius is a strong showman. He is not coming out there simply to demonstrate lock-step technique or leg turnout. We are not putting on a competitive ballroom technique exam. I also have to be able to dance in a way that I enjoy, and my internal brain-computer, the part of me that constantly monitors every step, cannot show through my eyes. I have to be like an actor on stage and fully carry the role. That idea is actually incredibly exciting to me. Maybe that is what this process really comes down to at the highest level, not just getting the steps right, but carrying the whole thing in a way where the dance contains a story, chemistry, expression, joy, and some greater feeling that reaches the audience.

Telehommik, the project, and a pace that refuses to slow down

In the middle of all of this, there is also media, early mornings, and appearances. A few days before the World Cup event, Martin and I appeared on Kanal 2 Telehommik. Even though the wake-up was very early, it was such a positive way to begin the day. The atmosphere on Telehommik was warm, friendly, and somehow unexpectedly light. It was very nice to talk there with Martin about our project, and it was also great to feel that our topic seemed to genuinely interest the hosts, Romi and Kristjan. Because Frederik and Ciara from Goldendance were also there and danced cha-cha-cha, Martin and I did not have to dance ourselves. And that is exactly how it should be, because the dance with Marius has to remain a surprise. We are not showing it anywhere before the gala.

Appearances like that add even more momentum to everything and make it feel even more strongly that this is a time when something is happening constantly, something is moving, something is being prepared, something is coming into being. It is tiring, but at the same time it is a very exciting feeling.

Sometimes it all feels unreal, and maybe that is exactly where the life energy comes from

Soon it will be almost a year since I began the pasodoble project. Before that, the idea that I could dance at even the level I am at now felt completely impossible. Unreal. Today I have grown used to the idea that I, too, can become a PRO-AM dancer, and I simply want to keep developing intensely. Sometimes my dreams feel unrealistic, but I believe that a person is often capable of much more than they themselves realize. I want to fully realize my own potential. And that gives me enormous joy, life energy, and a special inner excitement. Sometimes it seems to me that living life fully is something one has to learn. Art de vivre, the art of living, is something truly worth mastering.

The fact that I have reached a point where I am about to step on stage with a world champion in such a short time really does feel a little like a movie. Even for me, it has not fully sunk in yet. Maybe it is actually a good thing that I do not completely grasp all of it, because otherwise the sense of awe might be so overwhelming that I would not even dare to take his hand. But I do feel responsibility, and honestly, probably most of all toward Martin and Marius. I have to handle that well.

At the same time, all the attention, criticism, and support give me a great deal too. When I watch my own training videos, I feel inspired because I can see what I want to change. Of course there are moments when I feel embarrassed too, but if I saw only perfection and received nothing but praise, it would be much harder to motivate myself to train. Martin is very good in that sense and very objective. He acknowledges me when there is reason to, but he also does not let me become too comfortable. I truly want to thank everyone who has supported me and followed along, because that positive feedback gives me a great deal.

My body feels strong, but my mind is overloaded

Right now I feel that my body is very strong. When I do running workouts, I can see that I have to increase my speed more and more in order to raise my heart rate. Dance training is proper interval training, and it has made my cardiovascular capacity even stronger. Even so, when I dance through the full routine, my heart rate still rises so much that halfway through, it starts to feel like a survival mission. At the same time, my muscles and my whole body feel good. My mind is alert, and my brain has been coping with the pressure so far, but I do have to admit that the mental load is heavy.

There have been moments when I can clearly see for myself that my mind is overloaded. I have found myself driving in traffic with a completely empty gas tank, or mixing up the days and times of my children’s activities. But somehow, you just have to manage. And honestly, despite everything, this whole period is also very exciting for me. It helps enormously that I have a wonderfully supportive family, colleagues, and friends. At the same time, I have tried to keep life as normal as possible for the children. I have still managed to take care of most of their logistics myself, and I am even thinking that on the morning of the performance, I will still take them to swim practice before going for my own calming run. I believe that the more I can preserve ordinary daily routine, the better it affects my stress levels. There has not been much time for other hobbies, and for example, I have not played tennis in almost three months. But when you are preparing for one very specific performance, then the focus simply has to stay where it belongs.

The constant search for balance

When it comes to food right now, I do not believe in extremes. I have not weighed myself at all, and I do not feel that a strict diet would be realistic or even wise at this point. My training volume is high, and my body needs energy. If I have eaten too little, I will even wake up in the middle of the night and have to go eat. Of course I also want to be in good visual shape by Saturday, but at the moment I am listening to my inner sense of things. I think maybe everything is in balance, even though I feel I still have not found the perfect formula.

I try to keep food at home that suits me right now, and Margus is keeping an eye on that as well. When possible, I keep fruit in my training bag and in the car so I have something before and after training and do not end up in a weak moment. At the same time, I am still in an experimental phase with nutrition, because I still have not found the exact balance that would both shape the most beautiful possible body and at the same time give me enough power to handle dance sessions that are so physically demanding for me. I think this experience will teach me a great deal that I will be able to use in future dance competition preparations.

Dance requires energy from the brain too, not just the body. If I were in a major calorie deficit, I simply would not be able to keep up with the choreography. And yes, I have to admit honestly that on several days I have had a strong craving for chocolate and have given in to sweets. A nice and useful alternative is protein pudding, which I often have when I want something sweet. The older I have gotten, the harder it has become to restrict myself in extreme ways, and I no longer really see much point in that.

There have been setbacks with food too. I would like my body to look visually drier by Saturday, and I have tried following different tips for that. But at the same time, when I am hungry, I cannot just ignore that signal. Right now, of course, I am also thinking about whether I will have a six-pack by Saturday or not. I think I will.

The dress is being reinvented during the final week

The dress has actually turned into a slightly funny story this time. Last week I joked that I did not want to look like a million dollars on stage, but rather like five million, and by Monday’s fitting, Ele and Gerli had come up with a completely new plan. The first base dress stayed behind for training use, and we essentially started over with the real dress during this final week. And yet I loved the new idea immediately and felt that it was absolutely the right direction.

We have had dress fittings almost every day, the sewing work is moving quickly, and Gerli is busy refining the embellishments, details, cuts, and lengths. It is very clear that the whole team is fully committed and giving everything they have. Inside, I feel completely calm about all of this. I have placed myself fully in their hands. For me, the most important thing is that the dress feels like my dress, that I love the style, that it suits my body shape in the best possible way, and that it is comfortable to move in. I need to feel that everything is perfect, because that gives me extra confidence when it is time to step onto the stage.

And of course, I cannot leave out the shoes. That process of taming them is still ongoing. At one point, we even decided that I might wear my old, original shoes for the performance, because the sole is thinner and I can feel the floor better in them. At the same time, though, they have a narrower heel, and Gerli Padar immediately said that they are very difficult shoes and that she certainly would not want to dance in them herself. So in that sense, the shoes are still their own separate process. But I have started to accept them more, and I am getting better at keeping my center of gravity over the balls of my feet. It is getting better step by step. You will see the dress soon enough anyway, and what exactly it will look like will remain a surprise for now.

The gala will be very elegant, and I hope the audience receives more than just a dance

I think most people cannot even imagine how elegant and beautiful this event is going to be. There will be a beautiful atmosphere, beautiful lighting, music, and of course world-class competitive ballroom dancing. Since the competition is international, I would also encourage people to come and support our own dancers. Bring flags and cheer them on. During those evening hours, people will get to see all the Latin dances performed at the highest technical level and in beautiful costumes, and a large part of the evening will also be accompanied by Gerli Padar performing some of the best dance songs.

Anyone who wants an especially luxurious experience can buy a seat at a VIP table, where the table is set and the view is the best. Everyone at the VIP tables will also receive a surprise from Babor, and Magnum will be treating all gala guests to ice cream. There will also be a bar. It is truly a worthy way to spend a spring Saturday evening.

But I hope that my own performance gives the audience something more than just one beautiful number. I hope it gives them inspiration, belief, and hope. I hope it gives them the understanding that everything is possible if you truly want it and if you take steps toward it. I hope that someone will come away from it with the courage to begin something they have dreamed about. Anything that brings joy to our soul and our nature also gives us strength to deal with the more difficult side of life.

And to those who are still deciding whether to come watch that evening, I would simply say: why not come? There is nothing to lose, only something to gain. Give yourself an evening full of inspiration, beauty, and elegant entertainment.

Before stepping onto the stage, I want to find confidence within myself

When I imagine that moment when I am in costume and know that I am about to step onto the stage, I have to honestly say that I still do not know what will happen inside me. I have not even seen it in my dreams, even though, interestingly enough, I rehearse dance in my dreams all the time. I try not to think too far ahead about exactly what that feeling will be, but I understand that over the time that remains, I need to work very consciously on my own mindset so that I can hold myself together backstage and step in front of people at all.

It is only logical that it may be a very anxious moment. I have to be able to rise above that anxiety. My legs have to carry me, and my mind has to stay sharp. If I think about this final week, then the most important thing I still want to put in place within myself before stepping onto the stage is confidence. I have to overcome the belief inside me that I am not enough. I have to be able to remind myself that I am dancing for my own joy and not taking a technique exam.

Martin says that a show is the joy of dancing. In training, that joy appears only rarely, because when it does, a big part of my technique disappears. And yet the smile becomes wide. So which matters more? That is the big question. Maybe the answer lies somewhere between the two.